I got triggered today. It felt like I was being blasted from within and without. What amazes me, is that I realized today I was being triggered. Realizing it, even while in the throes of it, is half the battle.
Triggers are those PTSD words, looks, songs, foods, situations where suddenly all your fears come running, walloping you in the head and chest. A panic attack comes next. I realize when I feel highly out of control this happens. (or at least my imagined control)
Realization brings power.
With the ending of 2016, I felt such a sigh of relief in my soul. It was a very transformational year inside and outside of me. Old paradigms of skewed logic and fearful disclosures were ripe for play and up for grabs.
I had the choice of dealing with my crap, again… at another level or not.
After a series of in-depth eye opening conversations with someone, I realized I still wore masks. I’d intentionally shed so many over the years, and I was in denial that I had a few that I coveted and concealed myself under. I 
wore the masks to protect myself from uncomfortable interactions. I chose which mask I’d wear subconsciously accordingly.
Each covered my true self, as I confronted life and interacted with people.
Funny thing is, I was masking myself to myself. Hiding from my true feelings and fears.
It seems we die a thousand deaths in this lifetime. Each one, bringing a new self to life.
A vulture is eating my ego, or perhaps its a crow. My identities are crumbling. Who I am right now, isn’t clear … I know…
I thought I was an abandoned child. I thought I was a victim of circumstances out of my control.
But years have passed and that belief has taken its withering toll.
I’ve been a wife, a mother and a friend. But who I really am inside has been illusive, even to myself.
I thought I knew me, but those identities are only parts not totality in the end.
(Reprinted from Sofo Archon) theunboundedspirit.com
To be Normal is to Be Sick
Krishnamurti once said that “it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” However, being born and brought up in such a society, most people can’t realize that it is sick, let alone that they are part of this sickness, just like fish, which, living in water, cannot realize that they are in water and part of the sea life.
What does it mean to live a normal life? In the modern world, especially in the West, it means to be brainwashed at a very young age for over a decade by what we callschooling, to later on work as awage slave for almost the rest of your life competing with others so as to merely survive, to mindlessly consume products without end because manipulative advertising convinced you to do so, while at the same time you unconsciously harm the planet we inhabit, to slowly poison your physical organism by feeding it with disease causing foods, to obey to the rules and believe in the dogmas handed down to you by those in authority, to be passive and uncreative, suppressing yourself in countless of ways, living in suffering yet doing nothing to overcome it.
If you stop for a moment and think, you might realize that this kind of living is absolutely sick, yet it is accepted by almost everyone as healthy and is actually rewarded by society. In fact, those of us who are better at living this way are considered to be the most successful and respected, while those who are different, more sensitive and intelligent, desiring to create a different path in life, are ridiculed and looked down upon, being considered as stupid, weird, or even crazy.
But what is the point of living the way most people live? Life can be lived so much better — we can live playfully, filled with laughter and love, with a desire to be creative, at peace with ourselves and others, savoring the gifts of existence. Unfortunately, only a few people manage to think outside the mental box that society has provided us with and escape from the matrixthey’ve been unconsciously living in since they were born. Those are the rebellious ones who at some point in their lives felt the need to break free from the chains of tradition and help create a more beautiful world for all beings on earth.
To rebel against normalcy is the most difficult thing you can do because you need the guts to be honest with yourself and others. To voice the truth in a world where almost everyone is living in lies is quite a risky thing to do. Speaking the truth means going against the current of tradition, which in turn means confronting the herd mentality and having the strength to keep on going your way regardless of the hardships you might face.
There have been many people who had the courage to rebel against the normalcy of our sick society, but most of them couldn’t deal with the negative consequences their actions had on themselves. When nobody embraces your uniqueness and is able to understand you, and when everybody is trying to suppress you and help you to fit back into society, it is easy to lose courage, and not uncommon to experience immense psychological anguish. That’s why some of the greatest minds to have ever walked on earth were suffering from serious mental and emotional issues. And although now, after a long time since they passed away, they are recognized as geniuses, when they were alive they were seen by the majority as weirdos or lunatics.
Once you realize how sick the way you and most people are living is and openly go against it, trying to reclaim your freedom and create your own path in life, you are bound to get in trouble. People, including family members and friends will do everything to put obstacles on your path with the intention to “help” you become normal again, exactly like they are. Instead of helping you to grow your wings of consciousness and leave behind what is burdening your psyche, they do their best to cut them off and make you crawl by their side so that you can suffer together.
Your inner voice has for a very long time been telling you that life could be lived much more beautifully, and you should trust it because it’s right. And although it might be the most difficult thing to achieve, it is the only thing worth working for, because what is the point of living otherwise? What is the point of wasting your entire life just because others told you that’s how you are supposed to live?
If you stop for a moment and think, you might realize that this kind of living is absolutely sick, yet it is accepted by almost everyone as healthy and is actually rewarded by society. In fact, those of us who are better at living this way are considered to be the most successful and respected, while those who are different, more sensitive and intelligent, desiring to create a different path in life, are ridiculed and looked down upon, being considered as stupid, weird, or even crazy.
But what is the point of living the way most people live? Life can be lived so much better — we can live playfully, filled with laughter and love, with a desire to be creative, at peace with ourselves and others, savoring the gifts of existence. Unfortunately, only a few people manage to think outside the mental box that society has provided us with and escape from the matrixthey’ve been unconsciously living in since they were born. Those are the rebellious ones who at some point in their lives felt the need to break free from the chains of tradition and help create a more beautiful world for all beings on earth.
To rebel against normalcy is the most difficult thing you can do because you need the guts to be honest with yourself and others. To voice the truth in a world where almost everyone is living in lies is quite a risky thing to do. Speaking the truth means going against the current of tradition, which in turn means confronting the herd mentality and having the strength to keep on going your way regardless of the hardships you might face.
There have been many people who had the courage to rebel against the normalcy of our sick society, but most of them couldn’t deal with the negative consequences their actions had on themselves. When nobody embraces your uniqueness and is able to understand you, and when everybody is trying to suppress you and help you to fit back into society, it is easy to lose courage, and not uncommon to experience immense psychological anguish. That’s why some of the greatest minds to have ever walked on earth were suffering from serious mental and emotional issues. And although now, after a long time since they passed away, they are recognized as geniuses, when they were alive they were seen by the majority as weirdos or lunatics.
Once you realize how sick the way you and most people are living is and openly go against it, trying to reclaim your freedom and create your own path in life, you are bound to get in trouble. People, including family members and friends will do everything to put obstacles on your path with the intention to “help” you become normal again, exactly like they are. Instead of helping you to grow your wings of consciousness and leave behind what is burdening your psyche, they do their best to cut them off and make you crawl by their side so that you can suffer together.
If you desire to live the way you want to live and not the way others expect you to live, you need to gather the courage in your heart to be a little crazy — crazy according to society’s standards. You need to distance yourself from the comfort of the herd and follow your calling, without caring what others think of you. You need to be willing to go through hardships and experience pain, without giving up trying to turn your dreams into reality.
Remember: no matter how much pain you might experience by walking the path of non-conformity, the rewards of doing so far outweigh the disadvantages. Just like a mother experiences tremendous pain while giving birth, you are experiencing immense pain birthing a new kind of life. A life of beauty, of joy, of celebration. Pain goes hand in hand with change, so embrace it, allow it to guide you and let it be a catalyst for your inner metamorphosis.
I sought a distraction to lighten my mind.
I looked for commonality and connection.
I took a step outside myself and ventured in cautious hopefullness.
Ping-ponging in the newness of discovery.
Banter is infectious, especially in its infant stage.
But familiarity does indeed breed contempt.
Transparancy nullifies mystery.
And few can balance both.
I sought a distraction to lighten ny mind.
Remember Slinkys?
Those circular twisted, metal objects that promise fun — as you effortlessly hold on and let it do its amazing thing?
Bounce it around in your hands, get the hang of it. Dangle one end as it bounces down and just as effortlessly, glides right back up. Amaze your friends.
The next maneuver, ( As Seen On TV ) would be getting the little rascal to precisely tumble over itself, as it gracefully hops down the stairs.
Awww, it looks simple enough.
But somehow, sometimes, something goes seriously sad.
My Slinky got all kinds of messed up and bent out of shape today. A twisted, tangled menagerie of metal ended a promising day, right out of the box.
But that’s how life with a Slinky is. —- Welcome to my toy chest —-
Maybe.. just maybe– its Not Us who are Flawed–
but– this mind altering temporary human matrix reality is The PROBLEM….!
Maybe we’re doing the Best We Can in this mindfuking existence!!! 
The last two weeks have been hell. As the depression medicine leaves my system, I’m finding myself experiencing newer, intense emotions.
I’m realizing the meds put up a wall surrounding degrees of ALL my emotions. As layers peel off, I find myself feeling love in a degree I haven’t allowed myself to. I thought I felt love before, but this emotion is much more intense.
This love feels vulnerable. I had the opportunity to be around some lovable family recently. I knew I loved them, but suddenly I felt such gratitude and connection. Past events and timelines I’d shared with them over the years came flooding back to me. I realize how much I miss them…how much I wish they lived closer.
I held it together during the visit…but once they had departed, my heart felt emersed in grief. A lump filled with anguish arose in my throat. Sadness, overwhelming despair erupted. It felt unbearable, like a huge piece of my soul was being extricated with a dull knife. I sobbed.
I suppose I used to cry like this, before the prescriptions. I can remember being told I was too emotional. I felt too much. I tried to hide my vulnerability. Going on the depression pills helped to numb down my emotional reactions.
It pacified my anger to a large degree. Well, it made it easier to ‘stuff-it’. It coated my feelings with a layer of “Ehhh, just forget it.” It was easier to push feelings inside, aside and away from my consciousness. The pills put barriers between me and ALL reactions, really. Good and bad..no matter, same dull feeling.
But now~~
I’m FEELING
EVERYTHING
… and it’s quite shocking and very very INTENSE. I’ve cried more in the last 2 weeks than was usual for me to do in a year.
I get hit with overwhelming spikes of anger and frustration. A volcano of chaos spews throughout my synapses, overloading my ability to think. I can’t think straight in these tornadic storms. Myriads of monstrous thoughts all come hurling at once. Bombardments of bantering claws scratch at my focus and I feel temporarily insane in the energy.
I’ve wondered who the hell I am. Those around me seem to watch this circus act, carnival ride with cautious hope.
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